Well, I am doing much better than I was when I last posted.

Today is a terrible day for me. I was depressed for months after 9/11 and I didn't even know anyone who was lost. I can only imagine what it was for the family members of those who were.

My heart goes out to them.

I want to add that I am glad to be an American. I love this country and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. We have our problems, but nowhere else in the world can I have the kind of freedom and personal success I have here. So a big thank you to those that made it possible in the past and are keeping it that way now and in the future.

Did not talk to him today.

It was very hard. I even came up with a few excuses... but then stopped myself.

Today is the first day in a year we haven't spoken at least once.

/cry

And ... I only teared up once.

10 mins at a time.

I don't want to forget him... I don't want to get over him...

Failed again.

I still want him back. Yeah I know I know. But he's making it easy for me to forget him instead of obsess over him.

He says we are 'friends at best' right now. And if there was ever a thought of us getting back together, it would be after I got my life in order. He wants me to put me first and get done what I need done. He doesn't want me to worry abou him. He also added that he didn't want to be a part of this either.

I don't know what is going on...

I apologize to those of you who are disappointed in me for wanting to be with him . But trust me. As bad as he from what I showed you... he's good too.

I love him, please understand.

Failed miserably.

He deleted some dirty stories he'd written for me ... to 'help me forget'.

Follow that up with an angry IM to him about it...

so I don't know.

I really don't

He says he doesn't miss me when I state it.

I state he doesn't love me. He doesn't respond. Earlier I told him I knew he loved me. He said 'yeah'.

I told him he didn't want to have anything to do with me ever. He wouldn't run with that either. He said that it takes a lot of hate to say forever.

So now I'm on a precipice.

You all know. You know how much I love him.

I've begun calling his moods Jekyll and Hyde.

Hyde is here. Hyde is mean. Jekyll is sweet, kind, loving, generous....perfect.

I will wait for Jekyll and see what happens. In the meantime, I'm getting my life back.

TIPS:
THE SEVEN COMMANDMENTS
The First Commandment
DON'T SEE HIM OR TALK TO HIM FOR SIXTY DAYS

This is the most important thing you can do for yourself. This means NO CONTACT. Not only can you not reach out, you can accept no calls or visits. This is a self imposed "he-tox".
Some suggestions to keep you on track:
Reorganize a closet
Learn to Knit and start a knitting group
Become a Big Sister and work with underprivileged children

The Second Commandment
GET YOURSELF A BREAKUP BUDDY

Your breakup buddy will be the person you turn to when you are having a moment of weakness, feeling lonely or about to eat two buckets of fried chicken. Here are a few requirements for choosing the right Breakup Buddy:
Has at least a mild knowledge of your relationship.
Has a cell phone, pager, or other reliable way of being contacted.
Lives in close enough proximity to be accessible during emergency breakup meltdowns.
Note to the Breakup Buddy:
It is NOT your job to fix this person.
It's ok to set limits.
Make it fun.

The Third Commandment
GET RID OF HIS STUFF AND THE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HIM

Greg suggests you have a Boxing Day:
It is up to you what goes and what stays.
Three boxes are needed for a Boxing Day:
Return to Sender (His Box)
His Cds, his ipod, camera, his clothing, the baby photo his mom gave you of him.

Keepsakes for Pete's Sake (Your Box)
Photos, love letters, and birthday cards.
Straight-Up Trash (Sayonora!)
His toothbrush, razor, retainer and Rogaine.

The Fourth Commandment
GET YOUR ASS IN MOTION EVERYDAY

This could be as simple as just leaving the house everyday. Remember the Sun? Take yourself on a walk, take your broken heart to the movies or simply get in the car and drive. Just get moving.

The Fifth Commandment
DON'T WEAR YOUR BREAKUP OUT IN THE WORLD

No more public breakdowns or tantrums. No more crying at your desk, shouting into your cell phone, or fighting with your ex at restaurants. How you present yourself is a projection of what your life looks like. Take off your victim pants and show the world the most rocking version of you that anyone (including you) has ever seen.

The Sixth Commandment
NO BACKSLIDING!

Starting over is hard. Starting over again is even harder. Backsliding includes everything from the little "catch up" call to the big Kahuna of backsliding- break up sex- and everything in between.

The Seventh Commandment
IT WON'T WORK UNLESS YOU ARE NUMBER ONE

You are the prize, the sun, the moon, and the stars. You have to learn to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship you're looking for.

The Seven Commandments are taken from:
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

Day 1:

I cut off all contact from Nick. Blocked his chat names. Left the guild we were both leaders of. A friend is certain he suffers from a personality disorder, but I'm not totally convinced... I just want him back.

Oh well.

Here's to the He-Tox!

Wish me luck :)

Had the interview today and it went really well.

They asked me how long I was going to be in town because they said the president sometimes likes to speak to the people they want to hire first (!!!)

soooo. fingers crossed!

(I had Chartan do a rune reading last week regarding whether or not I should worry about getting a job this week and it said that I shouldn't basically... so yeah. :D)

Ok, I'm packing, getting ready to go to FL to see Nick this week and try to FIND A JOB.

I've got an interview with www.intershow.com Monday. I'm very excited about the opportunity and hope it works out.

I know this isn't much, but... I gotta get packin! >.

Well... its goin'.

Not anywhere near as good as I'd hoped though :(

I cannot begin to tell you how bitter I am.

I have six years' experience building an enterprise level corporate Intranet... but ... it was built using tools not mainstream.

So, instead of walking into a 100k a year job, I'm having to convince people that I know what the fuck I'm doing...

Please look over my Cover Letter I am going to be using (for the most part) and let me know what you think!

http://webliminalmessages.com/CoverLetter.doc

Sent me a text that said:

"I'd like to hire a plane, I'd see u in the mornin, when the day is fresh I'm comin home again"

That is from "A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional.

It's like. Our song

/cry

and they raised my limit on my credit cards

Why is that a problem you ask?

Because I MIGHT USE IT.

I have an extra $500 at Wal-Mart FFS :( And its NEAR CHRISTMAS!

ARGH!

/lord give me strength

Remembering the day.

I can't put words to it. I talked to some of my coworkers about where we were and what we did of course.

Much love to Ange. /hugs

/cry

Making you smile
Seeing it on your face
How your eyes sparkle
Even though they are squinty
The curve of your lips
Against your cheeks
Makes my moment

Whether it's a joke
A tickle
Words you like to hear
Knowing I've made you happy
In some way
Makes my day

Then the way you look at me after
I feel as if I've fallen in
The world doesn't exist outside
Of you and I
You are special
And knowing you are mine
Makes my life

Hand out the window
Floating on air
Just a flip of the wrist and I'm waving you goodbye

Drive past the lifeguard stand
Where I sit around
Waiting for you to remember

As I drive...

How the girls
Can turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them
Are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps
Pace with you a while

For so long, so long x2

The speaker in this door is blown
So nothing sounds quite right

Taking my time taking this drive
waving this town, goodbye

And I drive this ocean road
And remember

The small of your back,
nape of your neck

I remember everything
as I drive, I'm waving this town goodbye

How the girls
Can turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them
Are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay you in your steps
And pace with you a while
So long, so long

(Interlude of da da dum…)

And I will leave under the cover
Of summer’s kiss upon the sky
Like the stone face of your lover
Just before she says goodbye

I was certain that the season
Could be held between my arms
But just as summer’s hold is fleeting
I was here but now I’m gone (so long, so long)
I’m gone (so long, so long)

I'm gone, I'm gone x5 ( so long, so long...)

(interlude of da da dum…)

Such a good movie. I saw it with Nick and I had like... a death grip on him the whole time. I was so glad that he was there and OK.

I kept thinking about how out of my mind I'd be if I were in those wives' places. I saw an interview with one of the men that rescued the trapped PAPD officers and he said that it was pitch black down there, but the movie had to have some lighting so we could watch something other than a blank screen.

I was already very emotional by the end, what with the circumstances surrounding them being trapped in the first place and then having to watch them talk to each other to keep the other awake, the hallucinations they'd have, the short dreams they'd have when they did drift off and then the scenes of the families, the miracle that took place to allow them to be rescued in the first place.

And then at the hospital one of the wives walked past a board of MISSING notices... filled with pictures of people that were essentially lost in the attack... and the sadness began to overwhelm me...

and BAM! The statistics. 2400+ people dead. 400+ rescue workers.... and only 20 people pulled alive from the buildings, with the two PAPD officers being 18 and 19.

I started crying almost uncontrollably. Thinking of those that died both on the planes and in the buildings and the families left behind. Nick held me for as long as it took for me to calm down. (I think we must have sat through most of the credits because I seem to remember the house lights being on when I stood up).

And when we did stand...I put my arms around him, we kissed and we held each other tight. I don't know if he felt the same relief I did, but I like to think so.

All in all, a great movie. If you can handle the circumstances surrounding the reason why these guys were trapped (I had cried every day for like, 3 months when it first happened), go see it. Not your typical Oliver Stone film.

Yes, I know its a day late, but blame the day being on a Tuesday... and things taking 2 days to get somewhere.

So I got Nick's card today. He made it himself. On some VERY thick card stock.

Well, what happened is that I got to the mailbox and there was his envelope. I already knew it was coming... I open it. He has sprayed his cologne on it. So I immediately get to smell him. Its a beautiful card with an orchid on the front.

I open it, its a trifold. Along the sides and middle are poems. I read them and begin to cry.

I get home and tell him that I got them. He tells me that the ones on the sides are from Lifehouse. But the middle he wrote himself. He said "The lyrics on either side are from Lifehouse, the one's in the middle are one's that I wrote that day for you." I begin to cry again because it is so beautiful:

There was a time that
I thought I'd never love again
When the world had shut me out
Forever to be cast in lonelyness
Seeking companionship where there was none

Then one day you entered my life
You brought a lite into the darkness
You showed me the way out
A way to find myslef and my reason

It was you who saved me
It was you who cared for me
It was you who wanted me
It was you who loved me

We feed off of each other
Taking notice of what we love
Listening to what we know to be true
Caressing each other in our embraces
Giving every bit as much as we take

Then one day I said, "I love you"
My heart beating like it never had
My body feeling with life
A life it never thought it would feel again

It was you who saved me
It was you who cared for me
It was you who wanted me
It was you who loved me

and he signed it "I love you with all my heart"

(The songs are "Anchor" and "Empty Space" BTW)

I love him. I don't know what I did to deserve him. I don't know what I'd do without him now....

And for some reason, I'm not on Karla's friend's list anymore. I didn't realize I had pissed her off that much...

I'm still working at Mentor Graphics

I'm still addicted to World of Warcraft

I'm still addicted to boys (dammit all to hell). I think I've found a good one now though. He's like.... perfect.

PLEASE hit me up on yahoo/msn/aim if you can and quiz me. I so want to share, just don't have a ton of time to update this here journal. I will try to get something up today though for my 'friends only'.

I do have a MySpace page but ugh, its fugly. I like my LP page here >.>

<3 U all.

Here's to 2006. May it be better than the crap hole 2005 was.