Well, I am doing much better than I was when I last posted.

Today is a terrible day for me. I was depressed for months after 9/11 and I didn't even know anyone who was lost. I can only imagine what it was for the family members of those who were.

My heart goes out to them.

I want to add that I am glad to be an American. I love this country and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. We have our problems, but nowhere else in the world can I have the kind of freedom and personal success I have here. So a big thank you to those that made it possible in the past and are keeping it that way now and in the future.

Did not talk to him today.

It was very hard. I even came up with a few excuses... but then stopped myself.

Today is the first day in a year we haven't spoken at least once.

/cry

And ... I only teared up once.

10 mins at a time.

I don't want to forget him... I don't want to get over him...

Failed again.

I still want him back. Yeah I know I know. But he's making it easy for me to forget him instead of obsess over him.

He says we are 'friends at best' right now. And if there was ever a thought of us getting back together, it would be after I got my life in order. He wants me to put me first and get done what I need done. He doesn't want me to worry abou him. He also added that he didn't want to be a part of this either.

I don't know what is going on...

I apologize to those of you who are disappointed in me for wanting to be with him . But trust me. As bad as he from what I showed you... he's good too.

I love him, please understand.

Failed miserably.

He deleted some dirty stories he'd written for me ... to 'help me forget'.

Follow that up with an angry IM to him about it...

so I don't know.

I really don't

He says he doesn't miss me when I state it.

I state he doesn't love me. He doesn't respond. Earlier I told him I knew he loved me. He said 'yeah'.

I told him he didn't want to have anything to do with me ever. He wouldn't run with that either. He said that it takes a lot of hate to say forever.

So now I'm on a precipice.

You all know. You know how much I love him.

I've begun calling his moods Jekyll and Hyde.

Hyde is here. Hyde is mean. Jekyll is sweet, kind, loving, generous....perfect.

I will wait for Jekyll and see what happens. In the meantime, I'm getting my life back.

TIPS:
THE SEVEN COMMANDMENTS
The First Commandment
DON'T SEE HIM OR TALK TO HIM FOR SIXTY DAYS

This is the most important thing you can do for yourself. This means NO CONTACT. Not only can you not reach out, you can accept no calls or visits. This is a self imposed "he-tox".
Some suggestions to keep you on track:
Reorganize a closet
Learn to Knit and start a knitting group
Become a Big Sister and work with underprivileged children

The Second Commandment
GET YOURSELF A BREAKUP BUDDY

Your breakup buddy will be the person you turn to when you are having a moment of weakness, feeling lonely or about to eat two buckets of fried chicken. Here are a few requirements for choosing the right Breakup Buddy:
Has at least a mild knowledge of your relationship.
Has a cell phone, pager, or other reliable way of being contacted.
Lives in close enough proximity to be accessible during emergency breakup meltdowns.
Note to the Breakup Buddy:
It is NOT your job to fix this person.
It's ok to set limits.
Make it fun.

The Third Commandment
GET RID OF HIS STUFF AND THE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HIM

Greg suggests you have a Boxing Day:
It is up to you what goes and what stays.
Three boxes are needed for a Boxing Day:
Return to Sender (His Box)
His Cds, his ipod, camera, his clothing, the baby photo his mom gave you of him.

Keepsakes for Pete's Sake (Your Box)
Photos, love letters, and birthday cards.
Straight-Up Trash (Sayonora!)
His toothbrush, razor, retainer and Rogaine.

The Fourth Commandment
GET YOUR ASS IN MOTION EVERYDAY

This could be as simple as just leaving the house everyday. Remember the Sun? Take yourself on a walk, take your broken heart to the movies or simply get in the car and drive. Just get moving.

The Fifth Commandment
DON'T WEAR YOUR BREAKUP OUT IN THE WORLD

No more public breakdowns or tantrums. No more crying at your desk, shouting into your cell phone, or fighting with your ex at restaurants. How you present yourself is a projection of what your life looks like. Take off your victim pants and show the world the most rocking version of you that anyone (including you) has ever seen.

The Sixth Commandment
NO BACKSLIDING!

Starting over is hard. Starting over again is even harder. Backsliding includes everything from the little "catch up" call to the big Kahuna of backsliding- break up sex- and everything in between.

The Seventh Commandment
IT WON'T WORK UNLESS YOU ARE NUMBER ONE

You are the prize, the sun, the moon, and the stars. You have to learn to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship you're looking for.

The Seven Commandments are taken from:
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

Day 1:

I cut off all contact from Nick. Blocked his chat names. Left the guild we were both leaders of. A friend is certain he suffers from a personality disorder, but I'm not totally convinced... I just want him back.

Oh well.

Here's to the He-Tox!

Wish me luck :)

Had the interview today and it went really well.

They asked me how long I was going to be in town because they said the president sometimes likes to speak to the people they want to hire first (!!!)

soooo. fingers crossed!

(I had Chartan do a rune reading last week regarding whether or not I should worry about getting a job this week and it said that I shouldn't basically... so yeah. :D)

Ok, I'm packing, getting ready to go to FL to see Nick this week and try to FIND A JOB.

I've got an interview with www.intershow.com Monday. I'm very excited about the opportunity and hope it works out.

I know this isn't much, but... I gotta get packin! >.

Well... its goin'.

Not anywhere near as good as I'd hoped though :(

I cannot begin to tell you how bitter I am.

I have six years' experience building an enterprise level corporate Intranet... but ... it was built using tools not mainstream.

So, instead of walking into a 100k a year job, I'm having to convince people that I know what the fuck I'm doing...

Please look over my Cover Letter I am going to be using (for the most part) and let me know what you think!

http://webliminalmessages.com/CoverLetter.doc